"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God"

As promised, here's my update on our journey. What a week it has been since finding out our news about another miscarriage. I love my husband so much. He helped put things into perspective (as he always does). This loss has been a little easier to handle, still difficult don't get me wrong, but easier emotionally due to this thought process: our last miscarriage was considered a "missed miscarriage". There was a fetus, a baby, inside of my body, but unfortunately our baby stopped growing due to chromosome abnormalities. It is actually quite common, 25% to be exact, that a woman will experience this type of loss. I remember very clearly seeing my baby at that appointment. We lost a child then.

But at this last appointment, from early on, we were unable to see anything inside of the gestational sac. The doctor chalked it up to just being super early, especially since I got a positive pregnancy test SUPER early (8 days post ovulation to be exact) so it was to be expected that we wouldn't see anything on the ultrasound. Adding to that my tilted uterus, it wasn't unusual. However, at my second to last ultrasound, when we thought for sure it was far enough along to hear a heartbeat, or at least see a flutter on the screen (a heartbeat is typically seen or heard at 6 weeks), and we didn't see anything inside the gestational sac, that's when things got worrisome. And then when we for sure saw that the sac was empty, it was a different type of loss. Julian pointed out to me that while we it is still difficult to accept this loss, and completely okay to mourn this loss, we didn't lose a baby this time, rather we lost an opportunity.

Please don't get me wrong, it is still a difficult loss to deal with because we were so excited, and now the thought of having to go back to trying again, not knowing when we will see that positive pregnancy test again, is absolutely heart-breaking and overwhelming. My last post gave a very, very brief overview of what the last year has been like. There really is no way to describe the agony and stress that trying to having a baby takes, especially if you haven't experienced it directly, or been close to someone who has experienced it. I have heard more times than I can count, "it will happen when it's supposed to happen" or "just relax, stress doesn't help" or "have you tried (fill in the blank)?" You name it, we've tried it. It is like a stab to the heart hearing comments like this. There really is nothing to say, and I don't expect anyone to say anything. Just saying hello or you're thinking of me is enough. But I digress...

Yesterday I had another D&C done, 13 months after my last one. This time Julian was not allowed to be at the hospital. He had to drop me off at the entrance, where I was stopped and had to stand 6 feet away from the person screening people to come in, and then walk alone to the surgical floor and wait for my name to be called. It was so hard to be there alone. Once I was called back, I got changed out of my clothes and into the bed, and ready for them to do labs and attempt to start an IV. A little background on me...my veins suck. When I was pregnant, I had to do weekly labs and they always had difficulty finding my veins. I usually have to be poked a few times, and the last few times they had to go in my hands to get a vein. Yesterday they couldn't get an IV started because they kept losing my veins when they would attempt to poke me. They had to call anesthesia in to attempt to start an IV. They had to use an ultrasound machine to try and yet still struggled. They had to use the tiniest needle possible to get it going and thankfully that finally worked. I've got bruises for days on my arms, lucky for me! HA! My nurses were great and understanding through it all, as they knew why I was there. They allowed for me to call Julian when I needed to and held my hands through the pain of starting the IV. They finally were ready to take me back. I remember the mask going on and taking deep breaths. I think I typically go under quicker than I did yesterday and at one point I do remember saying in my head "Ok Heavenly Father, this is all on you now. I trust you." It was the strangest yet most peaceful moment I've had in a while. I felt like I was finally giving it all to God and trusting Him fully in that moment.

I woke up and as usual, my asthma was triggered so they had to give me a breathing treatment. Once my lungs calmed down, the nurse, Kylie, talked with me and helped me come to full consciousness. She asked how I was doing and if I remembered what surgery I had done. I started to tear up and she said "It's okay, I'm here with you, and I'll cry right along with you" and she did have tears in her eyes. I told her that this was my second and it felt so nice to be heard and comforted in that moment. She expressed that her best friend has been having fertility issues and has been by her side through that ordeal. I told her that she was a good friend to be with her through it all, because it is a dark and lonely place many times. I do believe that Heavenly Father provided Kylie to me as a tender mercy since Julian couldn't be there with me. What a blessing she was. I tried to express my gratitude to her as best as I could but I don't know that she knows the extent to which she helped me yesterday.

I was home by noon and spent the day resting with Julian and Chloe. I am eternally grateful for them and I know I keep saying it, but there just aren't words to describe my debt of gratitude to them. My recovery has been much better this time around than last year; granted, it's only been 24 hours but I've had much less cramping and bleeding which is nice. I've gotten food from my bestie, Katie, wonderful texts checking in on me, flowers from friends and my sister, a beautiful bird house with the most beautiful, uplifting message from my other sister, treats from the Relief Society president, and numerous Facebook messages and texts from other friends. I have felt the power of prayer through this miscarriage and it has made my burden lighter. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate each of you that have reached out in one way or another. The comforting words you have provided me are what lift me up and give me the strength to overcome this trial. Thank you to everyone for giving me hope through this storm. I love and appreciate you all!

Here are some pictures from the last few days - it's nice to have the flowers and constant reminders of love around the house!

The beautiful bird house from my sister, reminding me of the strength I possess within myself

Beautiful tulips from my other sister-they are my favorite!

Perennials I can plant in my yard from my amazing friend, Jacqueline

After surgery while waiting in recovery

Home and settled with my amazing little family 

Finally, Chloe reading to her cousins - this was the day before my surgery. My best friend and niece, Katie, came over to have my "last supper" and let the kids play, and let me cry and be with me so I wasn't alone. I just adore her and her kids!

Our journey and dealing with loss

Well, here we are again, just about a year after our first pregnancy and miscarriage. It's been a long year. In summary, we spent a good 5 months post miscarriage trying to conceive. We ended up trying clomid to see if that would help me ovulate, along with having Julian try it as well to help with his sperm. I did 5 cycles of that and took a break. From there we tried some other fertility supplements but nothing seemed to be working. I kept getting this feeling to call a new doctor with fertility experience but kept hearing in the back of my head to just wait a year and see what happens. Each month was heart breaking. The effort that goes into trying to get pregnant is beyond anything else. Intimacy no longer is intimate and is mechanical; timing is everything. Ovulation predictor tests, basil body temperature taken every day, sex on exact days throughout fertile week...you get the picture. It's exhausting. In every possible way. And then the two week wait is killer, only to then get negative pregnancy tests.

Finally at the end of December I decided to do some research on doctors in the area that specialize in infertility. I found one and scheduled an appointment for January; they called me the next day and said they would be able to get me in a week earlier than I originally requested so I was elated. I went in for the first consult appointment and the doctor was very kind and seemed to be proactive. He said that this cycle was basically a bust (I was on like cycle day 4 or something like that) but that at the start of my next cycle he wanted me to immediately begin taking Femara which is a drug used to help with ovulation. He wanted me to take in on days 3-7 of my cycle and then come in for an ultrasound on cycle day 10 or 11. Both Julian and I were so excited to have a plan in place. The only kicker was that my insurance does not only NOT cover infertility treatments, it also makes any such treatments EXCLUSIONS so everything would have to be out of pocket - that meant the office visit and ultrasound would be out of pocket and would not even go toward my out of pocket max. Thankfully, Julian had just gotten a job so we would be able to to actually cover the costs without any issue this time around. We were also projecting at saving for IUI costs if this route didn't work after a few months.

I was able to get in for my ultrasound on cycle day 11...but man that was an experience. Long story short, the ultrasound tech was terrible and I am pretty sure she ended up being fired that day. The doctor apologized profusely for what had occurred and said he never allows his practice to run that way. He said I wouldn't be charged for the appointment and said to come back tomorrow. Luckily I hadn't gotten a "peak" test for my ovulation so I was likely still within the window to see the ripe follicles and everything on the next day.

I went back for the ultrasound the next day and he was very pleased with what he found. He said there were 15 follicles in my right ovary and 8 in my left, with one that was ripe and ready to pop at anytime. I had gotten a positive "peak" ovulation test that morning so this was great news to hear and see.

We got our positive pregnancy test only 8 days post ovulation; we were nervous (and by we I really mean Julian) but so excited. Well, you know the rest.

My doctor has been wonderful from the beginning and monitoring my HCG and progesterone weekly, and sometimes twice a week. Two weeks my levels weren't as high as he would like; HCG should be doubling every 2-3 days but mine wasn't. I went in for my ultrasound last Monday, the 16th; we saw a gestational sac, but couldn't see anything inside of it. Of course Julian couldn't be at the ultrasound because of the new precautions being taken due to COVID-19. As I was lying there on the ultrasound table, I could see the empty sac and began to panic and cry. It was about this time in my pregnancy last year that we found out I had miscarried, but I remember very CLEARLY and VIVIDLY seeing a fetus in that one, so I knew this was bad. The sac itself was measuring 6 weeks 1 day; two weeks previous it was measuring 5 weeks 2 days so it hadn't grown much. I was also technically 7 weeks 3 days so it was smaller than it should be to begin with. He said that it wasn't bad news yet, that it could just be still too small to see anything. He said that he wanted me to do blood work on Wednesday and come back in next Monday (today) for another ultrasound. I did the blood work and went in Thursday to the lab to get my results. My HCG hadn't even doubled in a weeks time. My progesterone had also dropped lower than it should be; I immediately called the office and he put me on progesterone suppositories to try and help.

Fast forward to today. Again, Julian was unable to attend the ultrasound due to the precautions from COVID-19. We said oh so many prayers this week, Julian fasted yesterday, and both he and my dad gave me a blessing yesterday. In my blessing, I was promised a posterity with children and grandchildren. It was said multiple times in the blessing that Heavenly Father has a plan for me but what was not promised was that this pregnancy would be viable. I had a feeling of peace after the blessing, but also had a feeling that this wasn't the pregnancy that would provide us a baby as the end result. Going into my appointment today, I was nervous and anxious but also had a calm about me. I went into the ultrasound room and the sac was measuring 7 weeks 3 days, so it was definitely big enough to see something, if anything was there. I started to tear up as I asked the ultrasound tech if I  was seeing clearly that there was nothing in the gestational sac and she confirmed that.

The doctor came in after the ultrasound and apologized for the news. He said I had a miscarriage called a "blighted ovum". I had come across this type of miscarriage in my research the past week when we saw the empty sac so I was aware of it and wasn't terribly surprised by this news. I was in tears and so wishing Julian could be there to hold me as I heard that we had lost yet another pregnancy after such a long year of trying. He told me our course of action we could take and I asked what he would recommend. I decided the best course this time would be to take the medication to help my body pass the gestational sac. I will take three pills tonight and two in the morning. I will go back again on Thursday for an ultrasound to see if I have passed everything and if not, I will have another D&C next week.

I'm emotionally exhausted and sort of numb. We had to sit Chloe down and explain to her that I was no longer pregnant and that it wasn't the right time for us to have a baby. This was the part I was dreading. I know how badly she wants to be a big sister and it kills me that I cannot give that to her yet. But she handled it like a champ. She is such a beautiful soul. And Julian. Wow. I have the most supportive and loving husband. He has been sitting with me and allowing me to go through the ups and downs that yet another miscarriage has brought. I'm sure I'll have more to say later but at this point, I wanted to let everyone know our news. I don't regret one bit celebrating our pregnancy. It was beautiful and I'm glad we were able to experience telling people this time around and having this baby celebrated. Previously we had only told family and then not being able to celebrate with friends our news and then having to skip that step and go to the loss part was hard, but this time we got to share it and it was beautiful. I've learned that there's such a stigma around waiting to announce pregnancy until through the first trimester in case a loss happens, but in my experience it is such a personal decision when to announce pregnancy and there shouldn't be any shame in announcing and celebrating early. Every life deserves to be celebrated, even if it ends in a loss.

Sorry this post ended up being so long. I just felt that it was important to share a little about the past year because us getting pregnant was by no means an accident. It is hard after experiencing loss and difficulty getting pregnant seeing others just accidentally get pregnant and not understand what a blessing that truly is. It is a daily battle for some people and it's important that is acknowledged and talked about. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I appreciate all of you for taking time to understand me and our journey and dealing with loss.

To my baby on your due date...

Oh my dear sweet little one,

Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.  Your daddy and I had waited quite some time to find out you were joining our family. The day we found out was the best day ever; we made plans together and were so excited to tell your big sister you were joining our family. I was SO excited to meet you, to hold you in my arms, to feel that unconditional love that comes from being a parent. Your dad and I were so excited to add you to our little family, to have your big sister meet you and be able to dote on you for your whole life. It's crazy to think that you were only a part of me for 8 short weeks but you made a lasting impression on my life and are forever and always in my heart.

Today was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness as family members saw pictures of your beautiful face and for us to see all the exciting congratulations from friends. I envisioned your daddy bringing your sister to the hospital to meet you for the first time and seeing her face light up as she met you for the first time. But none of that happened and I am so heartbroken. I couldn't let the day pass without taking some time to make sure you were acknowledged. It is important that you know how much you are loved and missed.

The ache I felt when I found out that Heavenly Father had other plans for you is something I never thought I'd experience. That ache has stayed with me for quite some time. Thankfully your big sister and your dad have consumed a lot of my time since, but there are still moments, almost daily, when the world is quiet and my mind drifts to thinking of you and what life would be like if you had been able to join our family. It seems unfair that this joyous occasion was robbed from us, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for both of us. I don't know what that plan is for either of us, and some days that scares me, but I'm learning, ever so slowly, to trust in His will. You will always be a part of me little one, even when we are blessed with other children, you will always be in my heart as my first child I didn't get to meet. Thank you for blessing my life in ways I could not have imagined.

Love,
Your mommy

Winter storms only mean spring is around the corner

The last few days have been strange for me. I don't know how to describe it. Julian keeps checking in and asking me how I'm feeling and the truth of the matter is, I just don't know how I'm feeling. I have super high highs, and then I have super low lows.

I had my post-op appointment last Friday, a week after the D&C. I just can't say enough how wonderful Dr. Logston is. I was worried because up until a few days after the procedure, I hadn't had much bleeding or pain. I had been experienced quite a bit of painful gas pain but other than that, I was pleased with the recovery. But Wednesday after surgery hit and I started bleeding what seemed like a lot and was experiencing terrible cramping. So naturally I got onto Google and started looking up information from what others had experienced with the delayed bleeding. Let me just say, it's always a bad idea to get onto google when you're wanting some answers. It just terrified me and made me think I was dying. Bottom line was, everything was normal. If anything, my uterus was just expelling any leftover tissue and the bleeding was completely normal. Dr. Logston did an exam just to make sure things were good and said my cervix had closed so anything that may have been left over should have passed and the bleeding should stop soon. He checked in on my emotional state and reminded me that the miscarriage was not my fault and that I needed to make sure I was grieving in my own way. It was a nice reminder that it is okay to feel and experience this loss, because that's exactly what it is...a loss. A hard loss.

It's been more difficult the past few days to be as optimistic and hopeful as I had been. I guess I can attribute that to my hormones going nuts. I do not like the feeling of not having any control over what my body is doing right now. My bleeding has stopped but the migraines have been awful. I was prescribed some migraine medicine which has helped but they come back after a few hours and hit hard so I have to make sure to stay on top of things.

I think the hardest part of the last few days has been not being okay. I definitely have not been okay. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. It's so hard to go out in public some days. And so many ads for baby stuff keeps coming up on my phone because of all the things I was looking at while I was pregnant so it's like there's a constant reminder everywhere I look that I am no longer pregnant.

I look forward to being able to try again to get pregnant but I keep thinking about that moment I found out and how happy and excited I was....and then I think, man, that feeling will never be the same again because there will always be this fear of whether the pregnancy is going to last or if there is going to be another loss. But I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I have no profound words to say tonight. I have these feelings of feeling almost numb, or in a haze and I don't know what to think. I know it will get better with time. But it just sucks. Today was my first day back at work after being off for a week due to Snopocolypse 2019. I have been having anxiety about going back and facing everyone. Everyone is so kind and sweet and wants to be there for me and I so appreciate it. Every time someone asked me how I am doing though, I just started crying. I'm good up until I'm asked, and then I just lose it. I HATE crying in front of people. It is not a fun feeling. But I appreciate the love and support I have felt from everyone at my job - it's a wonderful, supportive place to work.

I keep taking things one day at a time, because that's all I can do. On Sunday my migraine got so bad that I went down to my dad's and had him give me a priesthood blessing. That helped me tremendously. It provided the peace I needed, and while the migraine didn't let up right away, it eventually faded. In the blessing I was reminded that Heavenly Father has not left me alone through this trial and that he is with me, loves me, and there is a family waiting for Julian and I when the timing is right. It was a beautiful blessing that I desperately needed. I am grateful for the priesthood, for the scriptures, and for the power of prayer. I say so many prayers throughout the day, and I know others are praying for me and I can feel the power of those prayers daily. I know it is because of those prayers that I am able to get through each day.

I have to also put in a plug about Julian. Bless his heart. He has been so amazing, and deserves some big award of some kind. He deals with my emotions so well. Not once has he acted annoyed or bothered by my ups and downs in my emotions. He consistently asks what he can do for me and when I say I don't know, he will just sit with me, let me cry, rub my head to help with the headaches, and tell me he loves me. He knows there is nothing he can physically do to "fix" this but is just there. I am truly blessed to have him as my partner in this life. He wants me to be happy and wants me to be able to go through whatever emotions I need to in order to heal from this experience. He got me a beautiful figurine to remember this pregnancy, as well as encouraged me to buy this hand lettering book so I can put some energy into other hobbies and keep my mind occupied on other things. He told me to take some money today and get myself a drink from Dutch Bros since it was my first day back and work and wanted to bring some extra happiness to my already difficult day. I thank my Heavenly Father on multiple occasions for such a loving and supportive husband. I truly could not get through this trial without him by my side.

I came across a saying the other day that struck me, so I will end this entry with this thought. "God doesn't tell us to 'cheer up those who mourn.' He says 'mourn with those who mourn.'" That hit me so hard. Too often I have tried to cheer up friends who have gone through difficult times and while I know those actions are appreciated, sometimes the best way to be a good friend and be Christlike is to truly mourn with those who mourn. Cry with them. Be with them. Don't fix things, just physically be there. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to try to connect on a level you may not understand. Just be there. Let that person know you care by giving them a hug, letting them know this situation is difficult, and that you're just there. That has been the biggest help and support for me through this experience. I don't need people to fix the problem. What I do need are texts, phone calls, drop bys, of people just saying "hi" or even "how are you doing" or "I'm here to listen if you want to talk". Because ultimately, there's nothing anyone can do to make the trial go away. All that can be done is to endure it, try to find the blessings, and know that tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning. I'm thankful for new days and new beginnings.

Hank Smith recently posted this quote by Washington Irving: "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than then thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love." Hank Smith then posted this in his own words: " Grief and tears are not a sign a weak mind, but a strong character. We are being shaped for an eternal destiny and that often requires us to pass through the very best of times that bring many tears and the worst of times that can bring even more. Through it all know this, your tears are sacred. They are counted. They will be dried and repaid." I cannot say how much this touched my heart to hear, and to be reminded of. Christ paid for this - he physically felt this pain, and so much more. Because of his pain, I know these tears will be dried. This is a winter storm that must be endured so that I can enjoy the spring flowers that much more. Good things are yet to come, I just know it.


Thank goodness for this guy!


Family movie night after a hard day




The beautiful figurine I placed next to my mother's picture


The hand lettering book I got to help me cope


Beautiful flowers I received when I returned to work today


My happy place I walk by every time I come through the front door. So many thoughtful friends and family that have given me a bit of sunshine to brighten my days.

Tender Mercies

The past few days have felt like a blur and a bit surreal. I have been so grateful for the snow storm that hit when it did (I know, call me crazy) because it forced me to face my emotions, and to make sure I took time to relax and not have to leave the house for anything. I wish I would have gotten on and written something a few days ago while feelings were still fresh in my head but every time I went to sit down to type I just couldn't face it so I distracted myself with something else.

I keep reliving that moment...laying on the ultrasound table, so excited to see my baby, and then having it all swept away within an instant. Honestly having the D&C the next day was probably the best thing that could have happened for me. It has allowed me to have closure and heal emotionally.

I went to work on Friday because I'm part of an autism evaluation team that has our eval day once a month and missing it is out of the question. I took Chloe to school that morning, and I kept tearing up in the car, just trying to figure out how on earth I was going to face the day. I kept pleading with Heavenly Father for a tender mercy to happen to allow me to either have the day shortened or for some other small miracle to happen to make the day easier to deal with. I missed my turn in taking Chloe to school and that just made me start crying even more. I haven't pleaded with Heavenly Father the way I did that morning in quite a while. I kept hearing my mom's voice quoting her favorite scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Then I would think about my mom and just start crying more because all I wanted to do was cry on my mom's shoulder and have her tell me that it was going to be okay.

Most of this post is a reflection of the tender mercies I have seen over the last few days. For those who may not know or understand the idea of a "tender mercy", it is in reference to a scripture from the Book of Mormon, which was discussed in great length by one of my favorite apostles, Elder David A. Bednar in his talk titled "The Tender Mercies of the Lord" in April 2005. He explained that the "Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ." He goes on to say that Christ instructed His Apostles that he would not leave them comfortless, meaning he would send another comforter. But he also says that the Savior would come to them. Elder Bednar explains that the Savior comes to each of us "through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord...And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of tender mercies of the Lord....Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."

Fast forward...Chloe got to school just fine, and she was such a sweetheart, gave me the biggest hug and kiss and told me she loved me. I got to work and immediately was shown an outpouring of love from my co-workers. Each hug and condolences brought more tears but it was nice being surrounded and greeted with such care. It started snowing pretty early on in the day. My first tender mercy that I was provided was that I didn't have to do the very first evaluation of the day. I wasn't thinking clearly and had forgotten what the schedule was for the morning so was relieved to find out that I didn't have to do much for the first hour of the day and could ease into being there. The snow kept coming and it was looking like we may be able to do some maneuvering and I could do the last part of the evaluation on a different day. Another tender mercy. Following this news, I found out that the hospital was able to get me in earlier so instead of waiting until 4:30 to go to the hospital for pre-op I was able to go at 3.

I left work around 12:30/1 and headed home. I have to take a minute and say that Julian has been the best husband and rock through this whole ordeal. I appreciate those who have reached out to him and asked him how he's doing because a miscarriage affects both the wife and the husband and sometimes they are overlooked. Another tender mercy that I have had is having a husband who deals with everything in life in a logical way. Sometimes I get frustrated with him, I'll be the first to admit it....when we found out we were pregnant he didn't have the reaction I was hoping for...very calm and collected, saying well let's get a blood test first before we get excited. I have realized through all of this that Heavenly Father knew I needed someone that wasn't an emotional thinker or reactor to be my other half because if it weren't for Julian, I don't know that I would be able to handle this the way that I have. I appreciate on a much deeper level how his brain works.

I got home and he immediately greeted me with a deep hug, just holding me and asking me how work was because he knew I was dreading it. I told me to take a bath and try to relax a bit before we headed to the hospital. I don't think I've cried as much as I have since my mother passed away. The time took forever to pass but finally it was time to head to the hospital. The nurse that brought me back to get me prepped was such a sweet and kind woman. She asked how long I've been having symptoms and immediately I teared up and told her I hadn't been having any symptoms, that it was a routine ultrasound and we found out. Another tender mercy....her sweet demeanor and caring for me as she realized the situation we were in. The OR nurse came in not long after pulling me back. It was a bit overwhelming because they were trying to get me into the OR as quickly as possible to get the procedure done so there were five different people surrounding me as they took blood, vitals, and got everything ready. The OR nurse saw the panicked look on my face as I thought I wasn't going to see my husband before going back. She took my hand, told me to take deep breaths, and that they would not take me back before I had a chance to be alone with my husband for a few minutes. Dr. Logston came back shortly after as well and asked how I was doing. Those words were trigger words for me so of course I started crying again haha but I gave him the thumbs up and said as good as I can be. They brought Julian back and he of course made me laugh and had the nurses chuckling. Another tender mercy...he knows how to put a smile on my face and ease my anxiety in the worst possible moment.

After the procedure was finished, I remember them calling my name to wake me up. As soon as I came to, I just started bawling. It was done. My baby was officially gone. The anesthesiologist immediately asked me if I was okay and in any pain. I told him I was okay, just was very said. He was very kind and said "Oh Stephanie I'm so sorry you're sad. You're going to be okay." I said a prayer in my head to help me calm down. The recovery room was pretty chaotic so they moved me to a quieter place and then got Julian. What a relief to see him. I didn't have to stick around for too long after and wasn't in a whole lot of pain which was a relief. We were able to leave shortly after. The snow had started to really fall by then but we were able to get home before the roads got terrible. We dropped of my prescription on the way home and told them we would be back to pick it up in the morning.

I honestly don't remember much else about that night. I had a difficult time sleeping so was up every couple of hours but other than that, it's a blur. Saturday morning we got up and I decided to ride with Julian to go pick up Chloe because I just didn't want to be alone. It was so nice to see her - another tender mercy was having Chloe the next day because she reminded me that I am blessed to have her and her dad in my life. Her mom knew about what had happened so had a small gift for Chloe to give to me. Another tender mercy...co-parenting is hard but I am so grateful that her mom is understanding and we have a decent relationship to be able to get through difficult times without having animosity towards each other. She offered to keep Chloe that day so I could rest but Julian told her that having Chloe would be good for me because it would give me an opportunity to do what I love doing best - being a mom. Those were his words, not mine. See, he's pretty amazing!

Between receiving flowers, candy, Diet Coke, texts with words of encouragement, scripture, and people checking in, I would say there have been so many tender mercies I have experienced through this trial. I have been overcome with the feeling of Peace, and while I definitely have moments where it all hits like a ton of bricks and I just start crying, I keep thinking, wow, I am so blessed to be able to come out the other side of this with so many things and people to be grateful for. I hope my family and friends know how much I love each one of you and appreciate you reaching out to me during this time - it has meant more to me than I can ever truly express in words.

The biggest thing that has been a light and blessing to me is the multiple women who have reached out and shared their personal experiences and struggles with miscarriages. There are so many women who have suffered through this tragedy, some in silence, and I would never have known. This is not a "club" I would have ever wanted to be a part of, but I am beyond blessed to experience this heartache with so many strong, incredible women. Without your stories of hope, strength, and sadness, going through this would have felt much more lonely than I could have imagined. So to those women who have reached out, I want you to know how much it has meant to me. Thank you for sharing such a deep, personal loss with me and for making me feel loved and not alone. To those who are struggling with loss that feel alone, or have suffered in silence, I hope you know there are women that can relate and can be a shoulder to cry on; you don't have to go through it alone.  I have drawn so much strength from each one of you who have talked with me, thank you thank you thank you.

I hope we can each take a moment every day to recognize the tender mercies that we experience daily. I often forget to pause and to reflect on my day and see the blessings. Most days I get bogged down with the things that didn't go right, but there are so many small moments that happen that are truly small miracles. What a difference my days would be if I would focus more on those tender mercies than all the bad moments that have happened. While it is okay to mourn and feel sad, I am blessed to be able to look at the tender mercies that have happened because it is in those moments that I realize how much I am blessed. I may not know why I've had to experience this loss the way I did, but I do know that because of it, so many blessings have become known. We were worried about the timing of when the baby was due because it was right around the time that Julian would be finished with his military career and ready to start his welding career, but we didn't know how we were going to manage financially. I have short term disability so that was going to help, but now with the new laws that passed in Washington, when we do get pregnant, I'll be able to access the fully paid family medical leave for the few months I'll need to take after the baby is born.

Another blessing that has happened is that I won't be pregnant in the hottest part of the year haha but seriously, we want to do a family vacation this year but Julian has his last AT in July and August so our choices were to do a vacation in June or late August right before the baby was due, and both were not great options for what we were able to do.

Obviously we would have made our lives work around this precious soul that was going to join our family, but if I focus on what we don't have, I will miss the things that we DO have, and that is what makes life worth living. I have a beautiful family, and I know that this precious soul will be with my mother until we're able to meet him or her someday. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge I have that there is life before and after death; Earth is just a part of our existence.

I love my Savior so much and cannot tell you how many times the scripture "Jesus wept" has gone through my head. I know that my Savior lives, and that he is the only one who truly knows this deep pain and sadness I am experiencing, but above all, He is the only one who can make me whole again and I know that if I keep relying on that knowledge, things will all work out.

Words you never want to hear

I decided that the last time I started a blog it helped me process the different emotions I experienced in that journey so I decided I would start another one with the new experiences this stage of my life has brought and will continue to bring.

Today was supposed to be one of happiness and excitement but definitely turned out differently. I have debated whether or not to post anything but I am overcome with so many different emotions that I wanted to share this with my family and friends – not in a way to receive sympathy but as a way to bring light to circumstances that are often overlooked. 

Today my husband and I experienced our first miscarriage. I was 8 weeks along, so pretty early on which is why most of you didn’t even know we were expecting. It was a process to get pregnant, or at least felt like a process to me. The day we found out was amazing and has been a fun ride to experience. I had an appointment with my PCP in the morning to discuss my recent labs since I hadn't yet conceived and we were on our 6th cycle of trying. I was concerned because prior to my gastric bypass surgery I had PCOS and was worried we would have a difficult time conceiving. When we started trying to get pregnant, my PCP ran my labs to see where we were at and he informed me that the surgery and cleared me of the PCOS and we should be able to conceive but if after 4 months we still weren't pregnant to come back in and he would run more labs to further examine what may be going on. At this follow up appointment, some labs weren't done correctly so I was going to have to wait until the end of January to have more done, which would put us out another cycle with the possibilty of being pregnant. On top of this, they wanted to have Julian do some testing as well to rule out any issues that could be there. Leaving that appointment, I called and made several other appointments with other doctors and was feeling very defeated. Later in the day, I remembered I was going to take a pregnancy test that day because the app I had been using to help with conception said I needed to do one. I didn't think much of it since I had taken one the week before and it was negative. I took one, and had completely spaced I had actually taken it so got distracted doing other things. About 10 minutes later I remembered the test so looked down and it said pregnant. I was so surprised and Julian reminded me not to get too excited until we knew for sure. I called my amazing brother-in-law who is a nurse practitioner at the clinic I go to and asked if he could put in an order for a blood test to confirm the test. Sure enough, it came back saying I was about 4 weeks pregnant. We were thrilled and feeling so blessed that things had worked out the way they had.

Fast forward to today....we had our first ultrasound today. We went in and they did an exam and then took me into the next room to do the ultrasound. I was so excited and could feel my heart beating faster through my chest as I was about to see my baby for the first time. The doctor began the ultrasound and got a glimpse of the baby, but couldn’t get a good picture. He told me he was going to have to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better look, then paused, and then said “not to alarm you but I did not hear or see a heartbeat. I don’t want you to be alarmed when we do the next part.” 

He was very kind about it and saw the tears start to swell in my eyes. I felt my heart just drop into my stomach. He helped me up and said "I will give you a minute to undress and to talk to your husband, just prop the door open when you’re ready for me." My head was spinning, this was not the news I was expecting by any means. He came back in and finished the ultrasound and confirmed that the baby did not have a heartbeat.  It was surreal because I could see the baby there on the monitor, but no heartbeat. He let me get changed and came back in to talk about what all of this meant. He was so kind and amazing, just a blessing to us. 

He told me that this isn’t uncommon for women and that the baby likely had a chromosomal abnormality and did not make it past the embryonic stage, but that it is important to feel the emotions because we did lose a child today. 

Those words – we lost a child – ones I never wish on anyone. 

He talked us through our next steps. Julian and I agreed (even though Julian was amazing and told me it was ultimately my decision because it is my body) that I should have a D&C done to help me heal both emotionally and physically instead of dealing with a miscarriage completely at home. That will be happening tomorrow (Feb. 8th) at 6pm; when I'm off work we will head to the hospital and have the procedure done. It isn't a long procedure...actually only takes about 3 minutes to complete once I am under the general anesthesia and then will go into the recovery room, wake up and be good to go home.

I know that I was only pregnant for 8 weeks, but it was 8 weeks of feeling excited and making plans for our little family to grow and for Chloe to become a big sister. Picturing what life would be like was beautiful and exciting. And with the drop of a hat it was all gone.

Like I said, my head is spinning with different emotions. I have been crying a lot. After the appointment, we went to my sister's house because she picked up Chloe from school for us. We didn't tell Chloe, and as I am realizing all the tender mercies that have happened, I'm so grateful for Julian. I wanted to tell Chloe so many times, but Julian kept saying he felt we should wait. I am grateful to him for being in tune with the Spirit and being the level headed one in the whole experience. My sister and nieces were there to let me cry and to cry with me as I experienced this loss. What a beautiful moment to have with them. Words cannot express that feeling. 

I am beyond grateful for my family and husband for being supportive and loving. I am especially grateful for my Heavenly Father. This was not the news I was expecting, but throughout the day I have seen several tender mercies. I have found great comfort as the scripture in John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” 

I came across an article tonight when looking for some peace by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled “Grateful in Any Circumstances”. One part of the talk struck me hard, and is allowing me to focus on the things I am grateful for through this loss. It's long, but beautiful and everything I needed tonight:

"When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind."

My hopes in writing my journey through our conception and hopefully pregnancy journey is that it will bridge the gap that there seems to be with the stigma that is around miscarriages. Some don't want to talk about it and that is totally okay; some want to talk about it but don't know how; some talk about it but people make comments like "you can always try again" or "at least it was early on". Those comments are always made out of love but it is my hope that we are able to think a little more compassionately and just let those who have lost a baby know they are loved and it is okay to feel the loss. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate our doctor telling us so plainly that we lost a child today and it is more than okay to feel grief. Those were powerful words to hear.

I am grateful to have experienced this loss - it has reminded me that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and for my family. For whatever reason, this baby wasn't meant to come to this earth. But I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to carry it for the short time I did, and to grow to love it and the idea of growing our family. You may have only been carried for a short time, but my, oh my, you will be loved for a lifetime little one.