But at this last appointment, from early on, we were unable to see anything inside of the gestational sac. The doctor chalked it up to just being super early, especially since I got a positive pregnancy test SUPER early (8 days post ovulation to be exact) so it was to be expected that we wouldn't see anything on the ultrasound. Adding to that my tilted uterus, it wasn't unusual. However, at my second to last ultrasound, when we thought for sure it was far enough along to hear a heartbeat, or at least see a flutter on the screen (a heartbeat is typically seen or heard at 6 weeks), and we didn't see anything inside the gestational sac, that's when things got worrisome. And then when we for sure saw that the sac was empty, it was a different type of loss. Julian pointed out to me that while we it is still difficult to accept this loss, and completely okay to mourn this loss, we didn't lose a baby this time, rather we lost an opportunity.
Please don't get me wrong, it is still a difficult loss to deal with because we were so excited, and now the thought of having to go back to trying again, not knowing when we will see that positive pregnancy test again, is absolutely heart-breaking and overwhelming. My last post gave a very, very brief overview of what the last year has been like. There really is no way to describe the agony and stress that trying to having a baby takes, especially if you haven't experienced it directly, or been close to someone who has experienced it. I have heard more times than I can count, "it will happen when it's supposed to happen" or "just relax, stress doesn't help" or "have you tried (fill in the blank)?" You name it, we've tried it. It is like a stab to the heart hearing comments like this. There really is nothing to say, and I don't expect anyone to say anything. Just saying hello or you're thinking of me is enough. But I digress...
Yesterday I had another D&C done, 13 months after my last one. This time Julian was not allowed to be at the hospital. He had to drop me off at the entrance, where I was stopped and had to stand 6 feet away from the person screening people to come in, and then walk alone to the surgical floor and wait for my name to be called. It was so hard to be there alone. Once I was called back, I got changed out of my clothes and into the bed, and ready for them to do labs and attempt to start an IV. A little background on me...my veins suck. When I was pregnant, I had to do weekly labs and they always had difficulty finding my veins. I usually have to be poked a few times, and the last few times they had to go in my hands to get a vein. Yesterday they couldn't get an IV started because they kept losing my veins when they would attempt to poke me. They had to call anesthesia in to attempt to start an IV. They had to use an ultrasound machine to try and yet still struggled. They had to use the tiniest needle possible to get it going and thankfully that finally worked. I've got bruises for days on my arms, lucky for me! HA! My nurses were great and understanding through it all, as they knew why I was there. They allowed for me to call Julian when I needed to and held my hands through the pain of starting the IV. They finally were ready to take me back. I remember the mask going on and taking deep breaths. I think I typically go under quicker than I did yesterday and at one point I do remember saying in my head "Ok Heavenly Father, this is all on you now. I trust you." It was the strangest yet most peaceful moment I've had in a while. I felt like I was finally giving it all to God and trusting Him fully in that moment.
I woke up and as usual, my asthma was triggered so they had to give me a breathing treatment. Once my lungs calmed down, the nurse, Kylie, talked with me and helped me come to full consciousness. She asked how I was doing and if I remembered what surgery I had done. I started to tear up and she said "It's okay, I'm here with you, and I'll cry right along with you" and she did have tears in her eyes. I told her that this was my second and it felt so nice to be heard and comforted in that moment. She expressed that her best friend has been having fertility issues and has been by her side through that ordeal. I told her that she was a good friend to be with her through it all, because it is a dark and lonely place many times. I do believe that Heavenly Father provided Kylie to me as a tender mercy since Julian couldn't be there with me. What a blessing she was. I tried to express my gratitude to her as best as I could but I don't know that she knows the extent to which she helped me yesterday.
I was home by noon and spent the day resting with Julian and Chloe. I am eternally grateful for them and I know I keep saying it, but there just aren't words to describe my debt of gratitude to them. My recovery has been much better this time around than last year; granted, it's only been 24 hours but I've had much less cramping and bleeding which is nice. I've gotten food from my bestie, Katie, wonderful texts checking in on me, flowers from friends and my sister, a beautiful bird house with the most beautiful, uplifting message from my other sister, treats from the Relief Society president, and numerous Facebook messages and texts from other friends. I have felt the power of prayer through this miscarriage and it has made my burden lighter. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate each of you that have reached out in one way or another. The comforting words you have provided me are what lift me up and give me the strength to overcome this trial. Thank you to everyone for giving me hope through this storm. I love and appreciate you all!
Here are some pictures from the last few days - it's nice to have the flowers and constant reminders of love around the house!
The beautiful bird house from my sister, reminding me of the strength I possess within myself
Beautiful tulips from my other sister-they are my favorite!
Perennials I can plant in my yard from my amazing friend, Jacqueline
After surgery while waiting in recovery
Home and settled with my amazing little family
Finally, Chloe reading to her cousins - this was the day before my surgery. My best friend and niece, Katie, came over to have my "last supper" and let the kids play, and let me cry and be with me so I wasn't alone. I just adore her and her kids!
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