Our journey and dealing with loss

Well, here we are again, just about a year after our first pregnancy and miscarriage. It's been a long year. In summary, we spent a good 5 months post miscarriage trying to conceive. We ended up trying clomid to see if that would help me ovulate, along with having Julian try it as well to help with his sperm. I did 5 cycles of that and took a break. From there we tried some other fertility supplements but nothing seemed to be working. I kept getting this feeling to call a new doctor with fertility experience but kept hearing in the back of my head to just wait a year and see what happens. Each month was heart breaking. The effort that goes into trying to get pregnant is beyond anything else. Intimacy no longer is intimate and is mechanical; timing is everything. Ovulation predictor tests, basil body temperature taken every day, sex on exact days throughout fertile week...you get the picture. It's exhausting. In every possible way. And then the two week wait is killer, only to then get negative pregnancy tests.

Finally at the end of December I decided to do some research on doctors in the area that specialize in infertility. I found one and scheduled an appointment for January; they called me the next day and said they would be able to get me in a week earlier than I originally requested so I was elated. I went in for the first consult appointment and the doctor was very kind and seemed to be proactive. He said that this cycle was basically a bust (I was on like cycle day 4 or something like that) but that at the start of my next cycle he wanted me to immediately begin taking Femara which is a drug used to help with ovulation. He wanted me to take in on days 3-7 of my cycle and then come in for an ultrasound on cycle day 10 or 11. Both Julian and I were so excited to have a plan in place. The only kicker was that my insurance does not only NOT cover infertility treatments, it also makes any such treatments EXCLUSIONS so everything would have to be out of pocket - that meant the office visit and ultrasound would be out of pocket and would not even go toward my out of pocket max. Thankfully, Julian had just gotten a job so we would be able to to actually cover the costs without any issue this time around. We were also projecting at saving for IUI costs if this route didn't work after a few months.

I was able to get in for my ultrasound on cycle day 11...but man that was an experience. Long story short, the ultrasound tech was terrible and I am pretty sure she ended up being fired that day. The doctor apologized profusely for what had occurred and said he never allows his practice to run that way. He said I wouldn't be charged for the appointment and said to come back tomorrow. Luckily I hadn't gotten a "peak" test for my ovulation so I was likely still within the window to see the ripe follicles and everything on the next day.

I went back for the ultrasound the next day and he was very pleased with what he found. He said there were 15 follicles in my right ovary and 8 in my left, with one that was ripe and ready to pop at anytime. I had gotten a positive "peak" ovulation test that morning so this was great news to hear and see.

We got our positive pregnancy test only 8 days post ovulation; we were nervous (and by we I really mean Julian) but so excited. Well, you know the rest.

My doctor has been wonderful from the beginning and monitoring my HCG and progesterone weekly, and sometimes twice a week. Two weeks my levels weren't as high as he would like; HCG should be doubling every 2-3 days but mine wasn't. I went in for my ultrasound last Monday, the 16th; we saw a gestational sac, but couldn't see anything inside of it. Of course Julian couldn't be at the ultrasound because of the new precautions being taken due to COVID-19. As I was lying there on the ultrasound table, I could see the empty sac and began to panic and cry. It was about this time in my pregnancy last year that we found out I had miscarried, but I remember very CLEARLY and VIVIDLY seeing a fetus in that one, so I knew this was bad. The sac itself was measuring 6 weeks 1 day; two weeks previous it was measuring 5 weeks 2 days so it hadn't grown much. I was also technically 7 weeks 3 days so it was smaller than it should be to begin with. He said that it wasn't bad news yet, that it could just be still too small to see anything. He said that he wanted me to do blood work on Wednesday and come back in next Monday (today) for another ultrasound. I did the blood work and went in Thursday to the lab to get my results. My HCG hadn't even doubled in a weeks time. My progesterone had also dropped lower than it should be; I immediately called the office and he put me on progesterone suppositories to try and help.

Fast forward to today. Again, Julian was unable to attend the ultrasound due to the precautions from COVID-19. We said oh so many prayers this week, Julian fasted yesterday, and both he and my dad gave me a blessing yesterday. In my blessing, I was promised a posterity with children and grandchildren. It was said multiple times in the blessing that Heavenly Father has a plan for me but what was not promised was that this pregnancy would be viable. I had a feeling of peace after the blessing, but also had a feeling that this wasn't the pregnancy that would provide us a baby as the end result. Going into my appointment today, I was nervous and anxious but also had a calm about me. I went into the ultrasound room and the sac was measuring 7 weeks 3 days, so it was definitely big enough to see something, if anything was there. I started to tear up as I asked the ultrasound tech if I  was seeing clearly that there was nothing in the gestational sac and she confirmed that.

The doctor came in after the ultrasound and apologized for the news. He said I had a miscarriage called a "blighted ovum". I had come across this type of miscarriage in my research the past week when we saw the empty sac so I was aware of it and wasn't terribly surprised by this news. I was in tears and so wishing Julian could be there to hold me as I heard that we had lost yet another pregnancy after such a long year of trying. He told me our course of action we could take and I asked what he would recommend. I decided the best course this time would be to take the medication to help my body pass the gestational sac. I will take three pills tonight and two in the morning. I will go back again on Thursday for an ultrasound to see if I have passed everything and if not, I will have another D&C next week.

I'm emotionally exhausted and sort of numb. We had to sit Chloe down and explain to her that I was no longer pregnant and that it wasn't the right time for us to have a baby. This was the part I was dreading. I know how badly she wants to be a big sister and it kills me that I cannot give that to her yet. But she handled it like a champ. She is such a beautiful soul. And Julian. Wow. I have the most supportive and loving husband. He has been sitting with me and allowing me to go through the ups and downs that yet another miscarriage has brought. I'm sure I'll have more to say later but at this point, I wanted to let everyone know our news. I don't regret one bit celebrating our pregnancy. It was beautiful and I'm glad we were able to experience telling people this time around and having this baby celebrated. Previously we had only told family and then not being able to celebrate with friends our news and then having to skip that step and go to the loss part was hard, but this time we got to share it and it was beautiful. I've learned that there's such a stigma around waiting to announce pregnancy until through the first trimester in case a loss happens, but in my experience it is such a personal decision when to announce pregnancy and there shouldn't be any shame in announcing and celebrating early. Every life deserves to be celebrated, even if it ends in a loss.

Sorry this post ended up being so long. I just felt that it was important to share a little about the past year because us getting pregnant was by no means an accident. It is hard after experiencing loss and difficulty getting pregnant seeing others just accidentally get pregnant and not understand what a blessing that truly is. It is a daily battle for some people and it's important that is acknowledged and talked about. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I appreciate all of you for taking time to understand me and our journey and dealing with loss.