Words you never want to hear

I decided that the last time I started a blog it helped me process the different emotions I experienced in that journey so I decided I would start another one with the new experiences this stage of my life has brought and will continue to bring.

Today was supposed to be one of happiness and excitement but definitely turned out differently. I have debated whether or not to post anything but I am overcome with so many different emotions that I wanted to share this with my family and friends – not in a way to receive sympathy but as a way to bring light to circumstances that are often overlooked. 

Today my husband and I experienced our first miscarriage. I was 8 weeks along, so pretty early on which is why most of you didn’t even know we were expecting. It was a process to get pregnant, or at least felt like a process to me. The day we found out was amazing and has been a fun ride to experience. I had an appointment with my PCP in the morning to discuss my recent labs since I hadn't yet conceived and we were on our 6th cycle of trying. I was concerned because prior to my gastric bypass surgery I had PCOS and was worried we would have a difficult time conceiving. When we started trying to get pregnant, my PCP ran my labs to see where we were at and he informed me that the surgery and cleared me of the PCOS and we should be able to conceive but if after 4 months we still weren't pregnant to come back in and he would run more labs to further examine what may be going on. At this follow up appointment, some labs weren't done correctly so I was going to have to wait until the end of January to have more done, which would put us out another cycle with the possibilty of being pregnant. On top of this, they wanted to have Julian do some testing as well to rule out any issues that could be there. Leaving that appointment, I called and made several other appointments with other doctors and was feeling very defeated. Later in the day, I remembered I was going to take a pregnancy test that day because the app I had been using to help with conception said I needed to do one. I didn't think much of it since I had taken one the week before and it was negative. I took one, and had completely spaced I had actually taken it so got distracted doing other things. About 10 minutes later I remembered the test so looked down and it said pregnant. I was so surprised and Julian reminded me not to get too excited until we knew for sure. I called my amazing brother-in-law who is a nurse practitioner at the clinic I go to and asked if he could put in an order for a blood test to confirm the test. Sure enough, it came back saying I was about 4 weeks pregnant. We were thrilled and feeling so blessed that things had worked out the way they had.

Fast forward to today....we had our first ultrasound today. We went in and they did an exam and then took me into the next room to do the ultrasound. I was so excited and could feel my heart beating faster through my chest as I was about to see my baby for the first time. The doctor began the ultrasound and got a glimpse of the baby, but couldn’t get a good picture. He told me he was going to have to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better look, then paused, and then said “not to alarm you but I did not hear or see a heartbeat. I don’t want you to be alarmed when we do the next part.” 

He was very kind about it and saw the tears start to swell in my eyes. I felt my heart just drop into my stomach. He helped me up and said "I will give you a minute to undress and to talk to your husband, just prop the door open when you’re ready for me." My head was spinning, this was not the news I was expecting by any means. He came back in and finished the ultrasound and confirmed that the baby did not have a heartbeat.  It was surreal because I could see the baby there on the monitor, but no heartbeat. He let me get changed and came back in to talk about what all of this meant. He was so kind and amazing, just a blessing to us. 

He told me that this isn’t uncommon for women and that the baby likely had a chromosomal abnormality and did not make it past the embryonic stage, but that it is important to feel the emotions because we did lose a child today. 

Those words – we lost a child – ones I never wish on anyone. 

He talked us through our next steps. Julian and I agreed (even though Julian was amazing and told me it was ultimately my decision because it is my body) that I should have a D&C done to help me heal both emotionally and physically instead of dealing with a miscarriage completely at home. That will be happening tomorrow (Feb. 8th) at 6pm; when I'm off work we will head to the hospital and have the procedure done. It isn't a long procedure...actually only takes about 3 minutes to complete once I am under the general anesthesia and then will go into the recovery room, wake up and be good to go home.

I know that I was only pregnant for 8 weeks, but it was 8 weeks of feeling excited and making plans for our little family to grow and for Chloe to become a big sister. Picturing what life would be like was beautiful and exciting. And with the drop of a hat it was all gone.

Like I said, my head is spinning with different emotions. I have been crying a lot. After the appointment, we went to my sister's house because she picked up Chloe from school for us. We didn't tell Chloe, and as I am realizing all the tender mercies that have happened, I'm so grateful for Julian. I wanted to tell Chloe so many times, but Julian kept saying he felt we should wait. I am grateful to him for being in tune with the Spirit and being the level headed one in the whole experience. My sister and nieces were there to let me cry and to cry with me as I experienced this loss. What a beautiful moment to have with them. Words cannot express that feeling. 

I am beyond grateful for my family and husband for being supportive and loving. I am especially grateful for my Heavenly Father. This was not the news I was expecting, but throughout the day I have seen several tender mercies. I have found great comfort as the scripture in John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” 

I came across an article tonight when looking for some peace by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled “Grateful in Any Circumstances”. One part of the talk struck me hard, and is allowing me to focus on the things I am grateful for through this loss. It's long, but beautiful and everything I needed tonight:

"When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind."

My hopes in writing my journey through our conception and hopefully pregnancy journey is that it will bridge the gap that there seems to be with the stigma that is around miscarriages. Some don't want to talk about it and that is totally okay; some want to talk about it but don't know how; some talk about it but people make comments like "you can always try again" or "at least it was early on". Those comments are always made out of love but it is my hope that we are able to think a little more compassionately and just let those who have lost a baby know they are loved and it is okay to feel the loss. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate our doctor telling us so plainly that we lost a child today and it is more than okay to feel grief. Those were powerful words to hear.

I am grateful to have experienced this loss - it has reminded me that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and for my family. For whatever reason, this baby wasn't meant to come to this earth. But I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to carry it for the short time I did, and to grow to love it and the idea of growing our family. You may have only been carried for a short time, but my, oh my, you will be loved for a lifetime little one.