Tender Mercies

The past few days have felt like a blur and a bit surreal. I have been so grateful for the snow storm that hit when it did (I know, call me crazy) because it forced me to face my emotions, and to make sure I took time to relax and not have to leave the house for anything. I wish I would have gotten on and written something a few days ago while feelings were still fresh in my head but every time I went to sit down to type I just couldn't face it so I distracted myself with something else.

I keep reliving that moment...laying on the ultrasound table, so excited to see my baby, and then having it all swept away within an instant. Honestly having the D&C the next day was probably the best thing that could have happened for me. It has allowed me to have closure and heal emotionally.

I went to work on Friday because I'm part of an autism evaluation team that has our eval day once a month and missing it is out of the question. I took Chloe to school that morning, and I kept tearing up in the car, just trying to figure out how on earth I was going to face the day. I kept pleading with Heavenly Father for a tender mercy to happen to allow me to either have the day shortened or for some other small miracle to happen to make the day easier to deal with. I missed my turn in taking Chloe to school and that just made me start crying even more. I haven't pleaded with Heavenly Father the way I did that morning in quite a while. I kept hearing my mom's voice quoting her favorite scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Then I would think about my mom and just start crying more because all I wanted to do was cry on my mom's shoulder and have her tell me that it was going to be okay.

Most of this post is a reflection of the tender mercies I have seen over the last few days. For those who may not know or understand the idea of a "tender mercy", it is in reference to a scripture from the Book of Mormon, which was discussed in great length by one of my favorite apostles, Elder David A. Bednar in his talk titled "The Tender Mercies of the Lord" in April 2005. He explained that the "Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ." He goes on to say that Christ instructed His Apostles that he would not leave them comfortless, meaning he would send another comforter. But he also says that the Savior would come to them. Elder Bednar explains that the Savior comes to each of us "through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord...And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of tender mercies of the Lord....Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."

Fast forward...Chloe got to school just fine, and she was such a sweetheart, gave me the biggest hug and kiss and told me she loved me. I got to work and immediately was shown an outpouring of love from my co-workers. Each hug and condolences brought more tears but it was nice being surrounded and greeted with such care. It started snowing pretty early on in the day. My first tender mercy that I was provided was that I didn't have to do the very first evaluation of the day. I wasn't thinking clearly and had forgotten what the schedule was for the morning so was relieved to find out that I didn't have to do much for the first hour of the day and could ease into being there. The snow kept coming and it was looking like we may be able to do some maneuvering and I could do the last part of the evaluation on a different day. Another tender mercy. Following this news, I found out that the hospital was able to get me in earlier so instead of waiting until 4:30 to go to the hospital for pre-op I was able to go at 3.

I left work around 12:30/1 and headed home. I have to take a minute and say that Julian has been the best husband and rock through this whole ordeal. I appreciate those who have reached out to him and asked him how he's doing because a miscarriage affects both the wife and the husband and sometimes they are overlooked. Another tender mercy that I have had is having a husband who deals with everything in life in a logical way. Sometimes I get frustrated with him, I'll be the first to admit it....when we found out we were pregnant he didn't have the reaction I was hoping for...very calm and collected, saying well let's get a blood test first before we get excited. I have realized through all of this that Heavenly Father knew I needed someone that wasn't an emotional thinker or reactor to be my other half because if it weren't for Julian, I don't know that I would be able to handle this the way that I have. I appreciate on a much deeper level how his brain works.

I got home and he immediately greeted me with a deep hug, just holding me and asking me how work was because he knew I was dreading it. I told me to take a bath and try to relax a bit before we headed to the hospital. I don't think I've cried as much as I have since my mother passed away. The time took forever to pass but finally it was time to head to the hospital. The nurse that brought me back to get me prepped was such a sweet and kind woman. She asked how long I've been having symptoms and immediately I teared up and told her I hadn't been having any symptoms, that it was a routine ultrasound and we found out. Another tender mercy....her sweet demeanor and caring for me as she realized the situation we were in. The OR nurse came in not long after pulling me back. It was a bit overwhelming because they were trying to get me into the OR as quickly as possible to get the procedure done so there were five different people surrounding me as they took blood, vitals, and got everything ready. The OR nurse saw the panicked look on my face as I thought I wasn't going to see my husband before going back. She took my hand, told me to take deep breaths, and that they would not take me back before I had a chance to be alone with my husband for a few minutes. Dr. Logston came back shortly after as well and asked how I was doing. Those words were trigger words for me so of course I started crying again haha but I gave him the thumbs up and said as good as I can be. They brought Julian back and he of course made me laugh and had the nurses chuckling. Another tender mercy...he knows how to put a smile on my face and ease my anxiety in the worst possible moment.

After the procedure was finished, I remember them calling my name to wake me up. As soon as I came to, I just started bawling. It was done. My baby was officially gone. The anesthesiologist immediately asked me if I was okay and in any pain. I told him I was okay, just was very said. He was very kind and said "Oh Stephanie I'm so sorry you're sad. You're going to be okay." I said a prayer in my head to help me calm down. The recovery room was pretty chaotic so they moved me to a quieter place and then got Julian. What a relief to see him. I didn't have to stick around for too long after and wasn't in a whole lot of pain which was a relief. We were able to leave shortly after. The snow had started to really fall by then but we were able to get home before the roads got terrible. We dropped of my prescription on the way home and told them we would be back to pick it up in the morning.

I honestly don't remember much else about that night. I had a difficult time sleeping so was up every couple of hours but other than that, it's a blur. Saturday morning we got up and I decided to ride with Julian to go pick up Chloe because I just didn't want to be alone. It was so nice to see her - another tender mercy was having Chloe the next day because she reminded me that I am blessed to have her and her dad in my life. Her mom knew about what had happened so had a small gift for Chloe to give to me. Another tender mercy...co-parenting is hard but I am so grateful that her mom is understanding and we have a decent relationship to be able to get through difficult times without having animosity towards each other. She offered to keep Chloe that day so I could rest but Julian told her that having Chloe would be good for me because it would give me an opportunity to do what I love doing best - being a mom. Those were his words, not mine. See, he's pretty amazing!

Between receiving flowers, candy, Diet Coke, texts with words of encouragement, scripture, and people checking in, I would say there have been so many tender mercies I have experienced through this trial. I have been overcome with the feeling of Peace, and while I definitely have moments where it all hits like a ton of bricks and I just start crying, I keep thinking, wow, I am so blessed to be able to come out the other side of this with so many things and people to be grateful for. I hope my family and friends know how much I love each one of you and appreciate you reaching out to me during this time - it has meant more to me than I can ever truly express in words.

The biggest thing that has been a light and blessing to me is the multiple women who have reached out and shared their personal experiences and struggles with miscarriages. There are so many women who have suffered through this tragedy, some in silence, and I would never have known. This is not a "club" I would have ever wanted to be a part of, but I am beyond blessed to experience this heartache with so many strong, incredible women. Without your stories of hope, strength, and sadness, going through this would have felt much more lonely than I could have imagined. So to those women who have reached out, I want you to know how much it has meant to me. Thank you for sharing such a deep, personal loss with me and for making me feel loved and not alone. To those who are struggling with loss that feel alone, or have suffered in silence, I hope you know there are women that can relate and can be a shoulder to cry on; you don't have to go through it alone.  I have drawn so much strength from each one of you who have talked with me, thank you thank you thank you.

I hope we can each take a moment every day to recognize the tender mercies that we experience daily. I often forget to pause and to reflect on my day and see the blessings. Most days I get bogged down with the things that didn't go right, but there are so many small moments that happen that are truly small miracles. What a difference my days would be if I would focus more on those tender mercies than all the bad moments that have happened. While it is okay to mourn and feel sad, I am blessed to be able to look at the tender mercies that have happened because it is in those moments that I realize how much I am blessed. I may not know why I've had to experience this loss the way I did, but I do know that because of it, so many blessings have become known. We were worried about the timing of when the baby was due because it was right around the time that Julian would be finished with his military career and ready to start his welding career, but we didn't know how we were going to manage financially. I have short term disability so that was going to help, but now with the new laws that passed in Washington, when we do get pregnant, I'll be able to access the fully paid family medical leave for the few months I'll need to take after the baby is born.

Another blessing that has happened is that I won't be pregnant in the hottest part of the year haha but seriously, we want to do a family vacation this year but Julian has his last AT in July and August so our choices were to do a vacation in June or late August right before the baby was due, and both were not great options for what we were able to do.

Obviously we would have made our lives work around this precious soul that was going to join our family, but if I focus on what we don't have, I will miss the things that we DO have, and that is what makes life worth living. I have a beautiful family, and I know that this precious soul will be with my mother until we're able to meet him or her someday. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge I have that there is life before and after death; Earth is just a part of our existence.

I love my Savior so much and cannot tell you how many times the scripture "Jesus wept" has gone through my head. I know that my Savior lives, and that he is the only one who truly knows this deep pain and sadness I am experiencing, but above all, He is the only one who can make me whole again and I know that if I keep relying on that knowledge, things will all work out.